


Idiot’s Guide to Saving the World and Wooing Sam

by reality0junkie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Incest, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-06
Updated: 2011-08-06
Packaged: 2017-10-22 06:50:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/235094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reality0junkie/pseuds/reality0junkie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Dean really manages to amaze himself. He’s pretty awesome, actually, and that’s a fact.  Trying saving the world and wooing Sam is not easy. But he manages. He’s a good multi-tasker. Ask anyone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Idiot’s Guide to Saving the World and Wooing Sam

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Как спасти мир и закадрить Сэма. Руководство для чайников](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1136066) by [bibigongirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bibigongirl/pseuds/bibigongirl), [Wincent_Cester](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wincent_Cester/pseuds/Wincent_Cester)



Sometimes Dean really manages to amaze himself. He’s pretty awesome, actually, and that’s a fact. Trying saving the world and wooing Sam is not easy. But he manages. He’s a good multi-tasker. Ask anyone.  
There was only a problem, a very slight problem. It was Sam. See, he wasn’t onboard with the whole ‘hey I think you’re sexy, you think I’m sexy, so let’s have some awesome sex’. For one, Dean hadn’t really said anything. Because that whole speech? Well Sam might not be as understanding. And two, well there’s that little thing between them.. called being brothers. Dean’s come to accept not being normal, but he really doesn’t want to pressure Sam.

There were only two things Dean could possibly do. One, do nothing. Two, get Sam. The way Dean sees it, if he gives up, then he misses out on some awesome sex with his hot brother. There could really be something there. He’s already gone to hell for his brother, if that’s not love, then what is? If he keeps trying, Sam’s bound to fall madly in love sooner or later. No one can resist Dean’s charms, after all.

It’s official. Dean Winchester is going to get Sam Winchester in the midst of the apocalypse. While he’s at it, he’s also going to save the world. Dean Winchester doesn’t do anything halfway.

1\. Flirting is very helpful and highly adviced. Subtlety is recommend. Start with something simple, a nickname or other term of endearment.  
Sam’s not really sure what’s going on. All he knows is that pie is involved. It always is. It’s so easy to bribe Dean with it, it’s almost sad. Anyways, he’s pretty sure pie was used as bribery. It’s the only way to explain Dean’s strange behavior.

“Hey baby.”  
He swears if he hears Dean say that again, he will quite possibly die. Or kill Dean. Either way, he doesn’t need to hear Dean say babe, baby or anything remotely related because one, Sam is not a girl, and two, well he’s not sure about two.

He thinks he’ll try to talk to Dean, first. Talking is Sam’s thing after all. The not talking is Dean’s thing.

“Baby!” Dean doesn’t just say it, he practically purrs it. Sam is not at all turned on. 

Sam tries very hard not to respond. Dean’s being a jerk, like always. There are only two ways to go. Tell Dean to stop or play along. Dean’s not likely to stop, but if Sam plays along… Well two can play this game, and Sam is going to win.

“Sam, baby? You listening to me?”  
“Sorry, honey, what where you saying?” Sam shoots right back.  
Dean seems to pause at that. Score for Sam!

Then a smile creeps onto Dean’s face, and maybe, just maybe, Sam finds it a little endearing. His brother’s stupid like that.

Dean knows his plan is working when Sam calls him honey. For a moment, he’s surprised. Of course then he realizes that his plan is working. Sam likes being called baby.  
Who would’ve thought?  
The plan works fine for the next couple of days, and Dean’s pretty sure he’s getting somewhere.  
Sam sounds cheerful at first, so cheerful Dean almost thinks he’s faking it. Almost. But the way Sam says honey is like music to his ears. Led Zeppelin doesn’t come close, and that’s saying something.

Sam stops talking to Dean four days later. It’s not like he’s admitting defeat or anything. It’s just ridiculous. The whole thing is so ridiculous; Sam’s not going to do it anymore because Sam Winchester is anything but ridiculous. Ask anyone.

“Hey babe, want to get some food?” Dean practically glides into the room, and Sam can’t take it anymore.

“Okay, you win!” Sam shouts.

Dean’s staring at him, his eyebrow raised. “What are you talking about?”

“I give up. You win, whatever this game was. Okay? So stop with the baby and babe. I’m not some chick.”

Dean looks away. “Yeah sure,” he mutters, and then he leaves the motel room.  
Sam sighs. He can’t help but feel that he’s missing something.

2\. Take him out for dinner. They’ll enjoy it. Everyone enjoys being pampered once in a while. Make sure to order his favorite foods. Be a gentleman. Treat your woman man like he deserves to be treated; like a princess prince.  
Dean Winchester does not give up. Ladies and gentleman, if there’s one thing you should know about Dean Winchester, it is that he’s stubborn.

He puts his second plan into action. Which is more like saying, that he’s winging it.  
Romance.  
Dean can totally do romance. The flirting didn’t work, so romance must. Besides Sam is such a chick sometimes, that this is the perfect plan.

Attention: It would helpful if you could avoid any jobs.  
That week, they’re stuck in Georgia, looking for Famine. But that doesn’t stop Dean from making reservations at a local restaurant. A fancy one.  
This better win him some points.  
Famine sucks.  
It’s way past 9 pm. Do you know what happens at 9 pm? Certain reservations at a certain local restaurant. Son of a bitch!  
When he finds Famine, he’s going to do some serious ass kicking.  
“Well, well, what do we have here?” Dean’s starting to wonder if all these four horsemen look like douches.  
“Look buddy,” Dean starts before Famine continues because he knows that once they get talking, they never stop, “I’m seriously pissed. So we’re gonna make this quick.”

Don’t give up easily. Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to.

Famine snorts and Sam is amused.  
“No, don’t believe me?”  
It’s always better to take Dean’s word, Sam figures. Otherwise it’ll all end in bloodshed.  
With blood all over himself, Dean takes one last glare at the spot last occupied by Famine and heads for the car.  
He grumbles on about something Sam can’t quite make out. But it sounds like something about a restaurant.

Try a nice evening at your home. Be sure to decorate lightly. Don’t make such a big of deal over it. Dress casually.

Dean has a plan. Well he has a better plan. Restaurants are unreliable. He can see that now. Planning a romantic evening at home is the way to go.  
The hard part is figuring exactly what to do. He’s never really done this before. Maybe in High School, there was something remotely similar to this? Maybe.  
He figures he can’t go wrong with a few candles. And dinner?  
He can’t be blamed if he ends up grabbing take out and trying to disguise it as something fancy.  
The hard part is getting Sam out of the room. Which he does, because he’s Dean Winchester, after all. There’s no such thing as impossible for a Winchester.  
Unfortunately then he has Castiel to worry about.  
“Are you trying to seduce Sam?” he asks.  
Dean wants to say like duh! He refrains because he has more class than that.  
He’s not sure if he should just say yes, just like that. He’s not sure how an angel of the lord will take trying to seduce your own brother.  
In the end he figures, what the heck, Castiel’s seen worse. Probably. Hopefully.  
“Yep.”  
Dean waits for his reaction. Don’t smite me, don’t smite me, don’t smite me.  
Castiel seems to consider this for a moment.  
“I suspect that this is something where it would be better for me to stay out of this,” he finally says whilst nodding.  
“Thanks?” Dean says. It sounds like a good approval as any.  
Castiel nods solemnly. “I wish you luck, Dean Winchester.” Then he disappears.

Once everything is prepared, go pick up your man. Be confident and assertive, but not overwhelming.

Dean can safely say that he’s ready, as he’ll ever be.  
All things considered it was probably easier getting Sam out, than getting him back in.

If things don’t go according to plan, don’t panic.  
Sometimes he can’t help but think that the whole world really is against him.  
Dean has a hard time dragging Sam back to the motel room. For one, he’s drunk and two, he’s heavy.  
You know how they say ‘he ain’t heavy, he’s my brother?’ Lies. Sam is heavy. He’s a freaking sasquatch. Sasquatchs are heavy.

Once he has Sam inside the motel room, he can’t help but want to cry, a little. All his hard work wasted and all because Sam had to go and get himself drunk. Of all the days to do it, he chooses this one.

Dean doesn’t say anything the next day, doesn’t even mention it.

The worst thing you can do is ask for help. It will be more than likely annoy your Sam. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask for some advice, though.  
Let it not be said that Dean Winchester gives up easily. He doesn’t.  
Ok, Dean’s tired. Really tired.  
He goes to Castiel. Well Castiel shows up. Dean’s at some bar drinking. Surprise.  
Castiel shows up at his motel. Dean’s been calling for the past few hours. Dean might be in trouble.  
Dean is drunk. Full on drunk. Off his ass drunk.

“Dean?”

That seems to shake Dean off whatever stupor he is and he turns to face Castiel.  
“Cas! My man!”

“Dean, you are drunk,” Cas states.  
“No shit, Sherlock,” replies Dean, starting to slur the words.  
Then he turns back around and asks the bartender for another drink.

Castiel well he might not be the most intuitive guy around but he can tell something’s bothering Dean.

“What is the matter Dean?” He takes a seat next to Dean.  
Dean laughs. But it sounds hollow, even to Castiel’s ears.

He thinks Dean isn’t going to say anything, stay silent. But then he starts.  
He makes a choked sound. “Sam-“  
Castiel waits patiently, he has an idea where this is headed.

“He do-doesn’t get it.”  
Castiel doesn’t say anything. Dean seems like he needs to say more.  
“E-everything I t-try fails,” he chokes out and Castiel is pretty sure that Dean’s crying.  
“I d-don’t know what to do,” he says turning to stare at Cas, eyes glistening. “Cas, you gotta h-help me!”  
So there it is. Dean needs his help. Sometimes Castiel wonders how he gets into these situations. Dean Winchester is rubbing off on him.

Castiel is a sucker because he says yes to Dean. The truth is that Castiel is actually a big ol’ softie and he likes to see people happy.

Which is why he ends up escorting Dean to his motel room.

Asking for advice is not asking for an intervention.  
Castiel shows up at Sam’s room early in the morning. Dean is still fast asleep. He’ll be waking up any moment with a huge hangover. Not gonna be happy time.  
Sam looked up from his laptop. “Hey Cas, what are you doing here so early?”

“I am on a mission, Sam,” he responds solemnly. He is.  
Sam nods, waiting for him to go on.

“You and Dean must copulate. The lord commands it,” he says solemnly.

It was a good thing that Sam was not currently eating anything. It was unfortunate for the laptop, though. It ended up falling to the floor and breaking.  
“Wh-what?” Sam sputters out.  
Castiel sighs. He had a feeling it would take a while for young Sam to understand. “You and Dean must as they say ‘date.’”  
“Umm..” Sam is lost. He really has no words. He’s pretty sure an angel just gave him permission to sex it up with his brother. Which isn’t horrible. He’s seen Dean. And to be honest, he’s thought about it.  
“But isn’t that a sin?” he stammers.

Castiel shakes his head.  
“Samuel, love is- love. God does not punish for loving.”  
Sam gulps.  
“Well.. okay. Thanks, Cas,” he finally manages to say. He’s not really sure of what he’s supposed to say exactly.  
Castiel nods. “So you will do so, then?”

Sam froze.  
“Castiel. Why- Are you okay?”  
Castiel frowns, seemingly confused by the question. Yes. He is very much okay. It is Sam and Dean who were not okay.  
“Yes. I am quite fine. I only wished to ensure your own comfort. Loving your brother is not a crime, Sam. With the proper preparations it-“  
“Woah. Stop it right there!” Sam cries out. He is not going to get a sex talk from Castiel. No way.

Unfortunately that meant Castiel turned his hurt eyes toward him.  
“What I mean is.. thank you. All right, thanks, Cas. I appreciate this,” he all but mumbles.  
Castiel seems satisfied by that. He nodded before disappearing.

If the opportunity arises, take it. Hangovers are nothing.  
So here’s the thing. Dean has a hangover. Son of a bitch. Maybe he shouldn’t have gotten so many drinks. Maybe he also shouldn’t have enlisted Castiel’s help. Maybe. He’s not going to start complaining yet… no wait, he started bitching hours ago.

The thing that takes him by surprise is Sam. He shows up, tells Dean to clean up because they’re hitting some restaurant and then leaves. What the heck?  
Still he does what he’s told. BY the time they make it to the restaurant, Sam’s started talking. Sullenly, but talking.

Halfway through his bacon cheeseburger, Dean’s starting to wonder what’s up with Sam. It almost feels like he’s flirting. If you count half-assed compliments.

“Are you all right, Sam?”  
Sam stops talking. He blushes. “Of course, just-“

Dean is tired, okay? He’s tired of trying. So what happens next can’t be blamed on him.  
“Oh for the love of-“ Dean murmurs irate. He grabs a hold of Sam’s shirt and pulls him forward. He crashes their lips together.  
Sam feels like the air’s been knocked out of him. For a second he struggles against Dean’s hold, but then melts into the kiss.  
He thinks that maybe they should’ve done this a long long time ago.

Though it feels like hours, Dean pulls away after about five seconds. He wonders whether he should get the hell out of there or wait for Sam to give him a new one.

Instead he’s rewarded with a “wow.”

“You can say that again!”

Sam smiles. “Remind me to thank Cas for this.”  
Dean chuckles. He was going to be buying Cas a lot of pie sometime in the future.  
“You know this actually explains your lousy flirting,” comments Sam a couple seconds later.  
Dean scoffs. “Hey, I’m awesome at flirting.”  
Sam just leans in for another kiss. “You’re an idiot,” he murmurs against him.  
“I’m your idiot,” Dean shoots right back.  
“Yeah…”  
Dean thinks that now everything is going to be okay. They have each other.

This is actually very simple. You love them; you don’t let them do stupid things like say yes to the devil.  
“Look, you stupid stupid son of a bitch. I love you. You hear me? I love you and I’m not going to let you say yes. So don’t even think about it,” he yells angrily before dragging Sam back to the Impala.

Sam nods, murmuring apologies.  
Dean sighs. He runs a hand through his face. “Promise me, Sam.”

Sam makes a noise that sounds like a sob. “Yeah. I-I promise, Dean.”

Sacrificing yourself is also stupid. But sometimes it’s the only thing you can do?  
Dean’s outside. It’s times like these that he feels so small, like the world could swallow him whole.  
He takes a deep breath. He’s leaving Sam today and it’s the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.  
“I’m sorry, Sammy,” he whispers, even though Sam won’t hear him.

He gets into the impala and he drives away.

All his life, protecting Sam has always been his number one priority. He’s not going to let his desire stand in the way of that. He’s going save Sam and the world, while he’s at it, even if it means dying. He’s gone to hell once; he can certainly do it again.

This is how this story ends. Dean does not in fact die. What kind of storyteller would I be if I let Dean die? Where would Sam and Dean’s romance go?

The moment Sam realizes Dean’s intentions he goes after him. He’s not going to let Dean do this. He’s not. If Dean once stopped him from saying yes, then he sure as hell isn’t going to let Dean do the same. “Castiel!!” It was time to call in the reinforcements.

Fortunately for everyone there is a certain angel, that is very willing to help. Like I said, Cas is really a big ol’ softie. He’s grown quite fond of Sam and Dean, though they act like a bunch of bumbling idiots sometimes, he’s not going to let them throw away their future. Especially Dean, who’s trying to be martyr. That does not bode well with Castiel.

Lesson to learn: Love can conquer anything. It’s so cheesy but it’s true.  
This is how it goes down.  
Not only does Castiel prevent Dean from saying yes to Michael, he also manages to get the boys to Vegas. Lucifer is of course invited, and Michael. He and Michael have reconciliated, and the end has been averted. Apparently everything resulted from an error. Michael thought Lucifer had been cheating on him with Gabriel, and Lucifer thought Michael had been cheating on him with Gabriel. All it took to end this war was Gabriel/Trickster fessing up to having played them a joke. If only they hadn’t taken it so seriously. It wasn’t his fault, really.  
Gabriel ended up crashing the party, despite Dean’s explicit wishes not to. He made up by bringing Elvis, the real one.

Lucifer and Michael were gracious enough to provide for the honeymoon, they felt it was the least they could after nearly destroying the world and all that.

Oh and Dean didn’t try any stupid things after that, well he didn’t try things as stupid, Sam does a good job of keeping him in line.  
And they lived happily ever after. Or something like that.


End file.
